Water under the bridge, time washes away everything, moving without returns; in the ends, all coming to dusts; But why, and How is that, years after year, you are still taking away my every breath? Is that true, something is for life? Walking on the street suddenly stood still; something punched my heart, heavily breath like old man. There was someone passing by, a stranger in the crowds, was wearing D’Issey Miyaki, or something alike. For just a second, I couldn’t hold it anymore; I knew I can’t pretend it has gone; it never gone, not even a tiny dwindles washed by time… It’s too cruel to me but I have to admit, this is my soul origin, the source of all my passion. A pity sad soul, it’s too personal to be read by others, to be understood by even the closest friends; it doesn’t fit any logical path; perhaps, it could be only looked up in poems. It’s an ultimate pain, though, full with love, passion and the gentlest touches… It takes a tremendous courage to facing, yet draws my tear dry and slowly kill my heart. And yet, it’s been there, and it is the truth. No matter how would I pretend it doesn’t matters anymore; While, in the dark of a quiet night, at front of grant mountains, facing heartfelt sun falls, at a gentle encounter with morning dews, or in the moment of orgasmic music playing, and by the time I have to stood in front of God… I can’t deny, my darling, you are indeed my immortal beloved.
A letter to an Angel, in the bottle, floating in the shadow of my soul…
sometimes, I just want to find a place, where I could hide, maybe somewhere shadowed; then I could just crying... my heart feels so heavy, something in my stomach drags me down; hopelessly, I can't breathe. Oh, I love her so much... it dilutes my soul, it kills me with her beauty; and I still, keeping her in the most precious place. sometimes, I wondering if it ever ends; it is like an aged patient looking through a mirror, knowing that the cancer had taken away all his youth and left no sparkle in his eyes; am I ever going to be happy again?; it scares me the most, a voice from inside of my instinct insured me that, my soul would never be enlightened without her; prayers after prayer, years past year, I have been lingering in the darkness, whisper a name which means everything to me; like a lost soul waiting the returning of my Angel, I could never know if one day She would spoke my name again. Life, seemed become too long for waiting…
Everytime I read my own words, I found that even myself could not completely agree what I have writen below. The reason I kept here is because it was there, what I felt at the moment………………………………………………….
We are so easyly to ignore what we have by searching what we don’t; even it’s so vital and has been with us since forever, we can only see it when it begin to disappear. We can’t sense the air but under the water. We can’t sense the water but lost in the desert. We can’t see who loved us most but by the time we lost it
Money. Aha! It values us greatly in our society even in our own mind. Rethink, if ones said it can’t make you are better person; Rethink, if you’ve been told it can’t buy you happiness and a love from others… Money, the most powerful thing we had invented has equally two sides – angel and devil. No matter which we followed, our voice will be amplified extremely. For many people, or maybe for all of us, it has become a universal religion; the difference is some think life is all about it and some think its all about the life. For me, I will not feel regret that I bought a 15 dollars flower for my love one, at the same time really believed and appreciated that 1 dollar could make a day for someone out there… (April 21st, 2005)
All the things we have learned and studied in our past, were secretly inspiring each others in our mind; even we could hardly acknowledge this immediately, it will definitely pay off in the future. The broader we have learned, the smaller we would miss. Also, I guess, keep exploring and learning interesting things broadly is like filling up the spectrum; once we have all the colors, we could choose the favorite one without miss any. (March 29, 2005)
When a beautiful thing goes wrong, should I try to save it or leave it? If there is nothing could save, wish there is something good to remember.
If the TRUTH is the cruelty to us and the blade to others, should we still open it? If we have to choose, should we die like hero or live like normal? (March 27th, 2005)
In our history, the world never changed because of those who understood and followed; It changed only because of those who disagreed and even misunderstood. (March 23rd, 2005
The great value of ones life is how it has been remembered in others
The universe is more tend to balanced rather than equaled
Sometimes I feel I am a person who trying to survive in the reality but living in the fantasy; I know I could never reach my fantasy; it can only lead me to searching… but, I would rather never lived without dreaming of my fantasy…(March 22nd, 2005
Our Life is the experience for individuals; the history of the world is the experience for our entire human; what happened before will always find the way to reflect at our own path in varies form. We should learn more about the world history because when the time come upon for decisions, we can always refer to the past – what the forerunner had been through. It will lead us a better understanding and maybe a way to avoid the suffering (like the war) again. (March 20/2005
If we could really comprehend one thing completely- yes, just one thing. We will be capable to understand every single thing in our world. Because, deep inside, everything share the same spirits
There is no right or wrong only if you choose to stand a certain position to look at it
People’s comments could upset you or make you happy. Actually, it’s all about what you want to hear or what you don’t
Trusts from others make me a better person
Understand it before judge it. But remember, no matter where we stand, we can NOT see things in all it sides
Life is loving others; Love is a courage, giving without asking
We are unique also similar. In the big picture, we are generally same; we are just the tine spots that mixed up to one giant image – human. In the details, we are so different. We do share same spirits in many aspects even we all living up at different lifes (cultural, educational, social, genetic, etc
Sometimes we believe in things only because we want to;
The process could be much more important than the result; we are not born to die even that is our destiny, we are born to enjoy the process. If we do properly, our life will not end when the time come up. our spirit will carry on at others
Take a breath to understand this — The most powerful thing we could have is ourselves; The most trustful ones in our life could be others. But what we usually see is the opposite – The most powerful thing belongs to others and we can only trust ourselves. (April 29, 2005)
Those are just my thoughts; there is NO necessarily to agree and welcome to discuss. you know, we all change by times.
sometimes, it is hard to look back, but if it was there, I will keep it archived for my elder time. ==========================myspace blogs======================== Saturday, October 17, 2009
Current mood: lonely Category: Life
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It’s rather funny that my parent’s dog could read my mind. When I am extremely sad, she will come to me and stares at me and trying to figure out why and what’s happen. Normally, she only comes to me when I am eating because she wants her share. At those days, I can only ‘talk’ to her because I just really don’t have anyone to talk. My story probably wouldn’t make much sense for any of my friends, and plus it has been the same story again and again. I don’t even trying to talk to anyone about it. Actually people around me or have met me always having an expression that I am fun to talk and easy to share. My black sense of humor often make them to think that I must have been through so many things, or I have being to many places. Yes, I did have some experiences more than most people I know. But sometimes, I wish I don’t have it all. Those things don’t lightening up my mind, though I had learned many from them.
I have been trying not to tell too much about mine past to people who I have just met or people who I am working with at now. Of course I don’t wish they would read my blogs and posts online at ‘My Space’ or ‘Friendster’. I kind of think if people read my stories from my past would have a heart attack ‘who is this guy?’ how…why… ? So, if you reading this post; you probably are someone who is not around my life at this moment. But, fairly speaking, I am not a bad person. I just had a complicate past and perhaps somewhat difficult for some people. Actually, I believe I could be a truthful friend, and a good husband, a loving father (which probably never could happen)
Ugh, I don’t know what am I writing…
Today, we played Beethoven Piano Concerto No 4 and No 5 (the Emperor) in a concert. I am still in a pretty low mood and almost cried at the second movement of concerto No. 5. It was very touching. Am I too sensitive? I broke my E string during the concert, never happened before.
for about ten minutes , I can't breathe. My breath became so difficult, heart beats so heavy... I feel so low... for a second, I don't feel if there is any meaning of my life, I wished I could just stop breathe and disappeared in the dust....
God, tell me, what is the meaning of my life if A.M is with someone else? and not even talk to me after years and years? Because I don't feel a heart purpose without her, I really don't. Forgive me to address like this, but that is very true.
Yes, it's been a year since I came back. couple of things I noticed.
1. I have not go to Church for once. I believe there are one or two Catholic Church in my city (populated 2,000,000) 2. My soul is not as innocent as I had while I was in States. 3. People in my orchestra respect me very much. Most young girls in violin section admire me. 4. I get paid four times more than most everybody in that orchestra. 5. I will use this oppurtunity to train myself as fisrt class concertmaster --- means absolutely solid as rock and yet sensitive (in terms of music) with high spirit. 6. I have chance to play solo stuff at monthly bases. It's good experience for me. 7. I don't want to date anyone. 8. I do admire that most of my school mate from hometown are becoming father. 9. I miss AMF all the time and had wrote about 100 letters. none of them will be read. 10. Some of the English words I start to forget how to say it. 11. It's very hard to be understood by people surround me. But I don't bother anyone. Just be myself. 12. I have been praying one thing at every night. But, probably would never be granted. 13. I will leave here to Europe within this year, I can not be settled. 14. I saved some money and don't use it.
over April 2009 http://www.cnsso.org/news/web_show_16032.shtml
It's been three months since I came back, but felt much longer. Sometimes, I was still in States in my dreams and woke up in a different place; after all, that seven years were the time that built who am I right now; I had grown up at there in a sense.
My daily life for now is not much interesting. Except some rehearsals, I stay my room all the time. Practice violin, browse Wikipedia, listen some classical music and reading scores which I download from eMule, sleep; And a prayer before I fell sleep every night which though I know it may never come true. Not much social life at all except sometimes being call out by my cousins when they gets bored. No girlfriends in any kind have planned. Once a while I'd go to look some pictures with "L'eau d' Issey Miyake" from before, which has been always a kind self-reward/comfort for me; It gives me some pity happiness plus post-sentimental... When I get lonely and depressed, I'd go back to practice or study more which I found it's a good way to occupy times. My dreams to become a violinist in the world-first-class orchestra and a concertmaster, perhaps a conductor, those dreams are quite 'big' and perhaps too high to reaching; But, one the reasons that why I set up my dreams this high, is because it could consume long enough times in my life so I don't need to worry about what should I do everyday for a long period. Be frankly, life hasn't been much interesting for me since 2006. Nevertheless, I don't think I'd ever go back the suicidal year again; because once I noticed I am not just live for myself; plus, I don't want to upset my parents because I am the only child; so I can't, it would be too cruel and too selfish to just disappearing. I am not depressed to write this, it is my real life, and it's been everyday. It's true I didn't quit to be a christian even I don't think God had ever implement my long time prayer. I guess that is His choice. If God gives us a free will, should I respect His? I am just keep praying; plus I'd never prayed for wining an audition, getting rich, or having a girlfriend etc... I don't think it's anything wrong to pray things like that, but I just didn't. I am going to visit a church in my city soon or later, I heard we do have one or two in this multi-million populated city; perhaps just sit there to have a quiet moment in my ear, and my heart.
May God bless you. If you don't believe it, consider it is a wish. There is so much in need and we have so little to offer, isn't?
This weekend I am going to play Brahms Violin Concerto in concert. I want to make it worthwhile.
I got two offer recently, and I took the Assistant concertmaster position.
25th of this month, I am going to play the Brahms Violin Concerto with a orchestra. My violin is still at New Orleans, so I have to play a relatively smaller-sounded violin against the orchestra.
This concert is dedicate to my friends and families, as well as to an angel from before.
It's almost impossible to hate someone you love, as well as recognize something were wrong-done by someone you love. I guess that is because we scared to see otherwise after lost everything that even the imaginative love which may had gone for a long while ago, will finally despaired forever.
It's not difficult to find the similarities in our life. Abused woman find difficult to call the help because she still love her man. Mother can't sent the kids to be a respondent etc... A simply name-out 'stupid' of all of this doesn't necessarily show it's full understanding though it could be seemed as helpful as someone may applying to. However, this emotion is not just a self-pity lie, nevertheless it's about the love, which makes our soul to shine even it was costly in practical. There isn't a answer I can offer. Christ said clearly to forgive, and this is very difficult to follow and simple to see it's goal. After all, you love the one, what else you could do, take revenge to the one so you don't love the one anymore? Can we forgive the one we love? Do we have the courage to take the pain? If you ask 'why should I?", think that is a 'cruel' test but you love is genuine. Perhaps, separate in life reality and bury the love in a precious place deep inside. I remembered once I said' wish somethings beautiful stayed in memories'. Shall we?
After I came back China. I found that almost all my friends were married (at least for once). and most of them have their own child. I know myself will mostly not to get married for the coming ten years and probably will never have my own child...
it's not really manly to say, but i cried so hard after the Louisiana audition. think of how many hours I have been practice and courage, and sleep in practice room, all is gone. someone can just took it away like nothing. I am just feeling very low right now.
I finally donate my blood. Last time I tried at Harvard Square (Boston) got reject, the reason was I wasn't in states long enough. Kind hurt my pride... not really, just disappointed.
I was walking in UNT camp, found the poster... the young girl who took my blood said I have a 'pretty' blood. I didn't believe it of cause. But she point me to others blood in bags, most of them are dark-colored. Mine is red, just bloody-red...She told me most blood will be useful for somebody within a week... I had thoughts that most blood maybe just stored somewhere and never even have chance to be used... so, I am glad my blood would be useful, for someone who need...after then the usally free T-Shirt are usally too big for me... they asked me to play some music... I played something, just a made-up melody... they liked it... I know I played beautifully...hope it lights up their days, maybe just a little...
I have a 'donor card' in my wallet all the time. If I am dead, like hit by a car or whatever (as long as my body still in one piece), all my organs and tissue are for needed... My lung may not be much useful (I am smoker), but --- many parts of my body are in good condition ... say ... my eyes are the best, good enough for a pilot who don't like to use radar!... my finger move fast (oh... that's not the case)...
before one day I decide draw a period on my life (hopefully not), those things I had prepared...
I am very impressed how the usually-superficial-money driven-Hollywood made some efforts towards the sides of exploring our humanities and getting over the plausibilities. My guess that the majority of audience are not that enthusiastic, or needs some times to be impacted.
There are three movies really catch my feelings and helped me understand more. I don't want to say those are just inspiring, for me, rather giving me more doubts about what I thought were absolutely right. ' Knowledge, broader understandings, does not necessarily gives me a black or white as I usually thought'
Oh... one thing. The new fashion that is 'one story in A movie, is not enough anymore'.
1. Little Children --- I think any woman would not be regretted to see this movie. Please don't be so judgmental, the bias from your perception may effect your further thinking. Well, if you cares.
2. Babel --- this movie is for orientated for 'Westerns'. I am glad that some of Americans can step out of the influence of the massive-media-education, and give some thoughts as a 'outsider'. It's very impressive. I think they are brave. It's hard to think that whats happened in the rest of the world when most time we only cares 'my neighbors cat is on diet' or 'the new fashion is all about your lips'...and I don't think Mr. President would likes the movie much, so does many patriotic fellows. haha!
3. Blood Diamond --- excuse me, but I cried. like a child that I can't hold it. I guess no diamond for my future love then (there isn't going to be one though). Anything, but please, no diamond babi.
Nashiville Symphony send a email to me to reject my application for audition. Besides 'shocking', I rather felt a little strange... Brad College fired me and seemed like they know me far more than I expected. Rice University, the guy who is in charge of the practice room, how does he know I wasn't there for school audition? there are more... I hope I just simply thinking too much!
Today, I finished the concert at Beaumont, southeast Texas. We played Beethoven fifth and piano concert no. 2 by Rachmaninoff. Audience liked the orchestra, they favor to applause between every movements. People don't like to turn off their cell phones during the rehearsals. Kids from Rice University Music School are kind of arrogant. The town looked a little depressed, basically hard to see any person walking on the street. I had catfish sandwich at a restaurant (said is Orleans food) near the theater. It cost me 6 dollars. The day before the concert I stayed in the theater overnight because of earlier rehearsal at next day. Anyway even if I got back to Houston I am going to sleep at Library. After everyone left, I sneaked out from hiding (they are not going to let me stay in theater overnight). Everything is so dark and quiet in the theater. I almost got scared. I thought I should be easy to go to sleep, but I start to thinking too much. Yet, feel a little lonely. After I took a shower at Conductor's dressing room, I felt better; at least not so stinky anymore.
Morning, I got on a bus to Mall. Shopping! I need tuxedo for the concert. Since I lost mine long time ago, I guess I couldn't wear jeans to the concert. My plan, as sneaky as I could be, is go to Wal-Mart to get a suite and shoes, and get a white shirt at other store. Then return it when I get back to Houston or any Wal-Mart. Since I don't want to get everything at Wal-Mart it because it would be too obviously that I just 'borrowed' it and not really trying to buy it. Well, I know it is not what I should do, but I just can't afford to have a suite, plus, how can I carry around since I am a bum? I prayed that God forgive me, if HE has been listening my prayers... I know my plan to 'borrow' a suite will works out fine just as I planned. Sometime, I am very sneaky - which I really hate it.
A black woman was lying at the conner of the bus station. She looked like she is living on the street. After I got the ticket from Greyhound, I went to her to give her five dollars. I was plan to give her ten, but I hesitated. She is about 60 years old, wrapped with blanket and have two box of Donuts next to her. Looks like someone bought for her. I handed over five dollars to her but she refused. She told me she doesn't need money, she is fine. I tried more, she insist not taking. I left the money on her blanket, told her she probably need money more than I do, then left. It is true that I could make some money by playing non-contracting gig orchestras. Even though I am not exactly allowed to work, but small and temporary gig doesn't really care, or before they find out --I had already got paid and left. A block away is the a senior house, I don't know why she is not in there. It's sad to see sometimes people refuse to be helped. I guess I could understand, but it is just very sad.
Last night I stayed in the Rice University Music School again after concert. The library didn't open at the weekend, at least not 24 hours. I prayed that I will be able to sneak in to the Music building without got kicked out. ah! I am playing catch me if you can' with their security! But it's raining and could outside. I will not get sick, just my violin could got damaged... Well, maybe I will get sick if I stayed outside. Anyway, I got into the there without mark a shadow! Then, had a sweet sleep on their sofa.
Sometime, it is funny to think how people I known would judge me for now. Maybe only God looking me at the same way as before, or for the future (I know I will be kind of rich and archived)... 'In front of God, we are all naked'. That is the truth I known before I believe God.
Finally I got caught this morning by staff at Rice University music school. The found me slept there last night... It's embarrassing.. but it has been for six days already. I am lucky I got through, almost half. my plan was stay there for another 6 days, I guess have to change for now. Oh, I am here at Houston because I have a concert gig to do. I need the money but I can't pay hostel / hotel. Actually, sleeping on the sofa next to the Opera Studio wasn't bad. It's quiet, soft, and not cold. It is definitely better than the floor in practice room. I haven't talk to anyone since I arrived. I am trying to stay 'invisible'. I practice at the backside of the music building. Most students don't practice there. I actually know two or three students there, but I didn't feel like to bother them... I hope they are doing fine. After I finish this gig in Houston, I will go to Denton. I am keeping practice there hope one day soon I will find a job and hope soon I will have my working permit. My mood is really low recently. It's hard to pick up strength to fight it.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Category: Life
at the last mineuts, i decide not to take the audition... so many feelings, so conflictings...though it is a very beautiful city and unique.
.....i saw a little girl, so happy with a new beautiful skirt on, holding her fathers hand walking next to me...
.....i saw two people were sleeping out side of church, wrapped seamlessly. i guess it because the cold. should i just walk by and easily 'pray' for their good luck? i choose to give them two dollars. i am cheap.
.....a young couple walked behind me. i think my smoke got the girl coughing. i immediately avoid away. hope she didn't mind too much and i didn't ruin their romance. i took a glance at them, i think they are in love...
......i walked five hours. just walk.
..................................in this Christmas time. if you have everything, be happy with it; if you have something, appreciate; if you don't have much, alone, make a wish. and count one more, from me.
'sometime, life is paused, maybe the most of time'
i begin to not feel the date, the hours, the night and the day. trackless. my dreams are much more interesting than my actually life.
one of my stand partner in orchestra had gave me a nickname 'stinky'. she tried so hard to convince me to quite smoke with many vital suggestions. i just told her that i don't really care if i will live much short life. in fact, i don't really want it.
i had a nasty fight with a Japanese conductor. we had a disagreement at one spot, i argued with him. later he told people that nobody had ever talked back to him like i did. after rehearsal, he came to asked my name and said that he will make sure i am not going to be able to work. i said ' i don't care, and fuck you. shocking, i never thought i could say in this way to anybody. but i did. i couldn't hold back my anger which i discovered that there are many angers inside me. i am just keep burying it. because i don't want to be a angry person, it is very suffering.
Couple of days ago I was walking by outside of Target at midnight. I saw group of people were 'camping', looks like they are waiting something. There was a poster on the wall 'Wii'. My curiosity prompt me upfront to ask. A guy working in the store told me that people are waiting to buy a 'new generation video gamer - Wii'; They are going to stay here tonight and lucky to get this 'Wii' at earliest morning. What are 'early birds'. Unfortunately, it's 29 degree outside of Main in end of November. eh~~~~
Heard from news 'someone stabbed another guy because of PlayStation 3, and violence involved with holiday shopping eager'...
The passion here, obviously is strong. Perhaps stronger than go to visit a longtime-no-see friend, or did a great performances, even going on a great date! ha, we so addicted to materials even we don't want to claim it.
I remembered when I was three, I had obsessed one thing very much. I wanted a ring, with red stone (suppose as jewelry) on it. My parents just thought I am really weired, as a boy. I tricked them with all my imaginations possible for three years old. I cried, begged, whined, even threatened. Of cause I got the ring and of cause it disappeared shortly after I lost its interest. That is my first 'material addiction'.
When I see those people outside of Target waiting faithfully, I just hope they are not get cold. Because it is freezing. I don't think I have that kind of courage to wait something, perhaps only for my girlfriend. Well, that is another story.
I stayed at New Orleans for whole week for the LPO audition. I came with the worst plans -- stay in hostel for couple of days and stay in park for couple of days; but things didn't turn out as terrible as I was expecting. I remembered someone had told me before that if I am in desperate situation I should asking Church to help. I hesitated first because nobody knows me. But I did contact the Trinity Church and that made my last week become much smoother. Now I am thinking if I did end up sleeping in the park; that would be the extraordinary experience in my life! But I did practice in the park for two days at the beginning; it's not so bad.
The Rev. Robert Goldsmith from Trinity Church New Orleans was so generous to me. After he asked my situation, he paid for me to stay at St. Vincent Guest house on the Magazine Street. Yesterday, when I came to say goodbye to him, he hold my hands prayed and blessed for me.
The organist Albinas and his wife Manon had treated me like their family. Manon was extremely caring about my feelings and my healthy. She made sandwiches and bought food to me. Even people that only had meet me invited me to restaurants; like the dancer Nanette, Jenny, and the composer Marti ( I hope he will be ok because he has cancer right now). I am still wondering why they have to be nice to me as there are so many people in New Orleans need help. Now I am heading to Wooster Ohio. And I just opened a envelope from Manon and Albinas. Manon told me I can open it ONLY after I left. There is a card with blessing words and one hundred dollar. I am wordless for how I feel right now…
For a while I had really doubt about the meaning of my existence. In the card that Manon and Albinas wrote to me: Keep the faith in your incredible musical gift because you are the "violin"… …these little things (the one hundred they put in the card) are so small compared to the beauty that you give to the world with so much "abundance".
People from Church saved me; God didn't allow me to be gone, not for now.
May 24, 2006
Manon, my family
I and Manon met at the time when I was looking help from Trinity Church New Orleans. She came with a huge hug and smile.
It was a surprise for me that I can be completely open to her after a short meet. She is very accepting and understanding to me from the beginning.
That was the May of 2006 when I was auditioning for Louisiana Philharmonic. I was practicing in the Church during the day.
I was in trouble with a family who goes to the Church and she often try to help me avoid problems. But I couldn't follow her suggestion and did make a bigger one later.
The day when I left to Ohio; Manon gave me a letter and sandwich. She asked me not to open the letter until I get to Ohio but eat the sandwich right away.
Inside the letter, there was one hundred dollar. When I open it, I was crying. "We have cherished every moment shared with you and your violin…Keep the faith in your incredible musical gift because you are the 'violin', Love Manon".
As I mentioned, I made a huge mistake later that leads me unable to go back to New Orleans. Manon has been giving me suggestions about avoid conflicts and be patient. I listened but still lost my control. Because my mistake, she got involved and was threatened by the powerful family. She was scared; I felt it when I heard her voice. I feel very guilty that I brought my trouble to her. We discussed the situation and decide I should not come back to New Orleans for a while. I was hoping have my life restart there as many friends offered their hands from New Orleans. It's my entire mistake to make it impossible.
Since then, we can only secretly talk over the phone and emails. Nobody would know where I am. I changed my phone number also. Manon asked one of her friend to host me in Scottsdale. I am really in my exile.
Remembered the time when I was in New Orleans. I played many times in TrinityChurch. It was my home for four weeks. I felt safe, until later.
Manon is my mom in this country. In front of her, I can cry and tell her how I feel. Is there anyone before? The answer is no.
7/15/2006
I am…
I become so antisocial now. Most of time I looked very sad so people don't bother to talk to me. I feel so lonely. I tried to email some new friends but one had replied. I guess they are all happy with their life and busy to enjoy, who cares a stranger. Sometimes I want to cry but I couldn't. I wish I could cry because it is a release.
Sometimes, when I think I will never be able to talk Anne Marie again I rather just die. Think of that make me feel there is nothing joy able anymore. I tried so hard think of something that I used to like and used to enjoy. But I couldn't. I remember at January when we just broke up, every single minutes was a torture to me. I could physically forgot how to walk, how to move my hand, feel hungry… I just couldn't feel anything, I completely lost my senses. Now I gets better, but it just from minute to a day. I still feel everyday has no meaning to me anymore. I have been pray to God take away my life because it is so painful. I prayed everyday. I asked God give me a chance to die, give me a accident or something that I can die suddenly. Sometimes when I try to sleep but I miss her so much. she is there in my mind, but I will always notice that she will never come back. Then I feel the scare. It is exactly how I feel about the death when I was five. When the feeling comes, I feel my heart is dying. I think it is how the people have heart attack suppose to feel. For couple of times I know I am on the edge of dying. I got out of my bed to smoke, then I will feel better. I think because it is too painful and my heart can't take the bourdon any more. It must developed some kind of sick.
I still hold my Bible to sleep. Just like a little kid hold their toy to sleep. It makes me feel safe, or because I haven't feel God is close to me yet. So I want to hold him, I want God embrace me. But I haven't feel it.
Merry Christmas!
--> --> -->[if !supportLists]-->l --> --> -->[endif]-->For the peace of our world. For your smiles that lighten others. For your love that brought warmth. For your happiness that melts the air.
--> --> -->[if !supportLists]-->l --> --> -->[endif]-->I was trying to pull back myself from the overheated soaring-mounting emotions which closely developed into a mental healthy issue. Found many faults in me from the dramatic period, noticed that each of them needs great amount of courage and patient to conquer. Trying to plan my future more carefully as my old attitude the 'don't give a shit' need be partially abandoned for now. Many thanks from my heart for those who are helping me. When I was giving up everything, they hold me there alone with God. Words are easier than implementing; let's get back to work.
Back to New Orleans – waiting for the help
After I got fired from BardCollege, I went back to New Orleans. I was supposed to wait Manon to figure out a place that could host me. But suddenly I have to leave Bard, it was too fast for anything be prepared. So without even tell Manon, I was there at August 1st. I thought maybe she will find someone from New Orleans to host me. But, Manon didn't call me as she was really scared to involve troubles I brought. It was so sad that I was waiting Manon, my only family call me. But I soon noticed she was trying to not contact me as later she tell me she just couldn't take it anymore. The pressure makes her shake.
I stayed in the 'Indian House Hostel' again. Trying to find a place to live, looking aids posted in colleges. But was nothing that I could found. I start to notice no one in New Orleans could come up to help me and start to doubt about why I am here. But where should I go? Where I could?
Onery – my friend
I met Onery at Indian House. He talk with strong European accent. Has a European charm and baritone type voice. He is about fourty something. He has two sons in Sweden where he had his family. I don't know why he is here but he was married an American for couple of years in Louisian, somewhere a small town. He came here trying to find a job or something else I am not sure. I often enjoy talk to people are little older than me, so we get alone well. Later, he told me there is a place that taking people. We can do some work and volunteer job for exchange for free living and food. I decide to go with him to take a look. I can't pay the Hostel fee for very long and didn't make any money at the same time.
Common Ground – Katrina Relief
2225 congress street, new Orleans; if I remember right, it is in a waste high school called St. Marry's High School right close the levee. The neibourhood hasn't has any sign to be rebuilt soon even a year after Katrina. No traffic on the road; nobody walking around; at most time. But in the high school where Common Ground holds, there are over hundred young people or mostly young are working there. It is a non profit organization that help rebuilt New Orleans right now. They called it Katrina Relief. Frankly, most people there are very hippy and 'different' than college students. No nerds at all. I think people here in the desperated and comtemplited (poision polluted) at hottest weather in New Orleans, must be kind of crazy. There are quite amount of different jobs. Like guttering house, ensemble trash and wasted computer to a new useable one (that was supposed to be my assignment, b/c that is not difficult for me); cooking food for works; consularand healing; law suggestion for people lost their properties; security for the organization area; environments improving etc; many jobs that I couldn't even understand whats for. But people can choose whatever you are good at or you think you can help to work on it. I never been any place like that, it was really whole different experience.
I got a bulk to sleep in the third floor of the wasted high school building, so as everyone else. It was really hot, but what was really bothers me was masqidors; b/c of my blood type, it gets extra bits easily. My whole back still has more than forty marks after bits.
Food there were mostly from donations. Can't expect anything good. b/c of the envirments situation, flys are part of the meal at the most of time. But the cook are good, and I so appreciated their effort to cook for over hundred people everyday. They don't really have a kitchen, it was just some cooking ware gathered together somewhere outside the building.
Bath room and show are not gender separation. Most of them are out of order. So when you go to restroom you just need to yell. And they made a woody show place on the side walk of the street, still need to yell first before you get in.
I found most young people there are really nice and enjoy what they are doing. Nobody every complained the living condition and the food, or nobody really speak it up. Some of them maybe actually rich, I can tell from there cars. Onery and I are just try to get a free place to stay, especially me.
There was a day, I felt very sad (it comes so often and I couldn't control it, it's part of the mental illness I had developed recently). The great depression made me hard to breath, I asked a girl who is consolor here to help people when they are emotionly unsteable --- example, like myself. I grabed her and tell her I have to talk. She told me I can come at night around eight.
Salvaging (?) prayer
I told her I can't feel the life and want to leave the world so much. My part of prayer for last half year was begging God ends my life. I just don't think I could take it anymore. I couldn't face the most wonderful things happened turns to the darkest ever. I lost the hope and there is no saver and I felt I am being banished from God.
For more than a hour, she was listening and look at me with caring. I couldn't hold back when I looking into her eyes. I was crying, and crying like a baby… I told her everything that happened recently, my sins, my mistakes, my restraning orders, my visas problems, my mental illness and all others. She said my suffering because I am just deeply wounded.
She gave lots of suggestions to me. I remembered two very well, and still trying to follow those.
First, she told me how to pray: Dear God, please grant me the peace to things that can't change, and help me the things that can change. Please give me the wisdom to see the differences… today, I still reminds myself this prayers when I felt hurt about what happened before. That helps me to feel calm about things that I couldn't understand and couldn't change. It also help me to learn to accept it, even it is very slow.
Second, she told me not trying to challenge peoples boundary which been set for me. Even my intention are good, I just can't do this in this Country. In china, was a bit different, which I couldn't understand for a while… I was too stubborn to convince even by myself.
After I talk to her, I feel I should leave this New Orleans as far as possible. That might help me to forget the pain and save my life. Anyway, nobody could or willing to help me under a great pressure. I am carry a loads of problems. More than anyone I know.
I jumped on the taxi to the airport without telling anyone there, it was bad, but I just can't tell them why. I didn't even have chance to exchange the contact information with my friend Onery. I feel regret about that… the last words he said to me was, 'yong, keep spirit up ok?'…
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I left New Orleans, in the airport, I picked up a farest place to go, with every money I have. I am going to Portland, Oregon. it was August 1st. this section I will filled up soon.
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9/25/2006
I arrived Houston a week ago. Stayed in International Hostel for three days. Now, I rent a place, share a room with another guy. He is American-Mexican. He said he likes to dance and he works for construction also going to community job. My roommate he is American, forty five years old, going to college majoring in Finance. He want to marry Asian girl and hate while girls.
Everyday, I sneak in RiceUniversity to practice. Four or five hours a day. My arm gets so tight and my wrists are hurt. I know my playing gets much better, solid. Sometimes, I am dream one day I will become a soloist and later I will become a conductor. But immediately, I will notice that is going to take a lot of lucks and long time. I am still have the feeling that I am not to going to make it. But what else I can do? When think of visa, I feel in front of me is so dark and am waiting, am praying the mercy from God. It's so easy to have depression. Sometimes three or four times a day.
I take a walk to RiceUniversity at afternoon and walk back around mid-night. It's a eighty minets walking with my school bag and my violin. I hope my back will not become bended soon. I am aftaid I am getting old, but I am stronger then five years ago.
I usually listen Richard Strauss on road. It gives me some strength. I like it because it is a real romance. In the part of music, I imagined that a kiss from angel and then falling into hell after angel left. Trying to chasing angel and chasing love, but angel stabbed in my back… but she is always the angel and I love her…
It's scare to think when is my time to have a hope. I went to bed with a release of my tired soul. I still dream about my babi all the time. I hope my babi she can forgive me. I hope she remember I love her very much.
I know I will not be able to fall in love anymore. Maybe I will, but their would be nothing like it with my angel. It was completely. I think I have a scare in my soul which will never cured. There is not completely in love for me anymore. I know it, and accept it.
I haven't start to looking job in restarunts yet. I am afraid I can't work there. Maybe soon when I can't find any gigs, I will have to.
I haven't been to Church for a while. I feel God is punishing me still. I wish someone can help me, but obviously it's impossible. I wish God could give me a miracle but I can't feel it will happen.
My prays still including life ending. The only reason is I don't know I will be happy in rest of my life. I wasn't a easy happy person at all. I miss my little babi, I know I still love her very much. it is a real romance to me. I miss her…
9/26/2006
Today, I practiced four or five hours. Didn't speak to anyone. I am having a idea that I should maybe go back to Boston live with Robert. He offered a place in his parents house. I trying to survive by myself. But I am start to feel I don't have the ability or I am feeling homeless. I paid a month rent. So I am going to stay here for a month then if nothing happens, I will go back to Boston.
Pray God please give me something to start so I would actually have a start here. If I go back to Boston, I will feel I failed to be independent. God please show me what you want and please forgive and not punish me anymore, you know it was because of love. God you built me like this, a man can't live without love, this is how I am. Please, God, have mercy to give me a chance to make it, to make a future for myself.
there is no turkey, no family, no phone calls... I got myself some bufflo wings. somehow, I have to sell my old-lady, my violin to fix my mistake. oh, i think I heard someone is laughing ' you deserved it, stupid yong'. it didn't suprise me then. wish you all have a great thanks giving, and stay warm with your family and your friends.
I start to picked up earthworm that struggling get back to grass on the sidewalk. After rains, the earthworm has to get out of grass (because the mud gets too wet for it stay. it has to move to a place which is dryer, for temporary). Most of it came on the sidewalk. people walking by will just step on it, quite a mess I think. For some reason, I don't want to step on it, so I picked up and through in back to the grass. even I hate to touch any kind of wet/worms. Yikes! here is 1st, I can't stand that earthworm move very slow, seemed very struggling. so I made them a 'fast jet'. 2nd, I think I want to save its life. sounds so stupid but that how I felt. Well, once I had argument with a friend about kill the ants on her window. I kind of againsted, but she told me 'as a Christian, we don't think ants or any insects matters that much'. I am not aginst that idea, but I don't want to kill the ants anyway. --- I don't kill insects except its bit me!
I killed 60 fishes whithin a week by using knife and bare hand. My friend Philips (pee!) and I spent a week in somewhere/nowhere at upstate Main two years ago. we had fished everyday, that's our food. Philip told me he can not cut fish beacuse he is going to faint! whatever, so I killed fishes and cut it into picese and cooked them. We both enjoyed the food very much.
once I was walking on a run-track in sports field after rain. I picked up one or two earthworm, then I found the whole field full with earthworm, thousands, I said ' well, that's not in my hand' then I escaped.
My point is ' I saved earthworm, I don't want to kill ants, but I killed fishes and wouldn't mind to eat beef, pork, duck, chicken...' isn't that sounds like ' I only drink skim milk, and same time eat tons of cheese and dessert all the time?' ===========WEIRD and Funny
my friend asked me where should the place for listening classical music.
my answer:
based the idea that 'classical music' is NOT easy listening compare to pop music, you need more involved rather than let it just come to you.
1. in your car, better on the long drive. so you should actually have enough time to go through at least one piece (usually over ten mins). Turn OFF your cell, because if phone calls stoped your listening experience --- it's same as you watch a story in theater --- it's better that you catch the whole story without skip any development.
2. lieing on your bed, before sleep. I found it is a great experience let the music go alone into your dream. this could free your mind, with unexpected imaginations. try it, you may suprise.
3. in the concert hall. well, the point is you somehow can't talk, can't call, and you have to sit there. and your were somehow focus on music (don't sit too close to the orchestra, otherwise you may end up checking out somebody and forgot to listen) --- worst case you fall into sleep, that's ok, the music is going to catch into your dream.
4. in the bathroom. no matter you are taking shower or taking 'big one'. the envirement give you more chance to listen than just looking around.
5. if you really can't got yourself into listen 'classical music'. before you give up. pick up a piece, listen 20 times, see what happen then.
I am listening Bruckner symphony No.9 (unfinished), conducted by Nikolaus Harnoncourt (my most favorite) with. Wiener Philharmoniker. Many my friend actually hate Bruckner (especially string players). Not only playing his pieces is like doing Marathon, also the motivations in his music repeat again and again. Because it is much persisted, one could feel tired mentally not after long. Even Brahms made fun of Bruckner's music.
Bruckner's music, especially his symphonies, are massive in its form. For me, the persisted melodies that reveal his passion, seeking the impossible answers of life, the glory of God; it is an obsession, which he hoped, failed, and still hoping… It is very struggling in the mood, one moment I heard from the lion, and suddenly there is fragile dews…as Bruckner he never married, he was away from romantic. But he is very romantic in his music, only the subject isn't exactly women; to me, it is more dedicate to nature and God. He had very lonely life, he is work wasn't really recognized before he die. Without abilities/personality/desire of showing himself in front of society, he wasn't that popular. Even now, I don't really think his music is going to be popular in future. It could not blend in with our 'modern philosophy', and don't really fits what we are looking for after driving through McDonald's with our SUV.
Before, for a while, Bruckner's music was not allowed/not exactly to play in this Country. The reason is because Hitler, was very found of Bruckner's music. He often requires orchestras play it for German soldiers. I think he was looking into the passion, and the obsession of Victories. Be fairly, his root motivation wasn't all the worst things, it was the process, and he did in a terrible way which mattered most. There was a new movie called 'down fall', it's about Hitler. I think it could give us another way to look at him, if only matters. But, one said, 'the only way to completely understand devil, you have to discover its' burried side of angel. well, nobody can do that, except God, just let you know.
maybe next time that I listen Bruckner's music, I will have totally different understanding. I am looking forward. wiredo!
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Category: Life
December, New Jersey Symphony January, Houston Symphony March, San Francisco Symphony
I am going to take any incoming auditions. that's what I am going to do except filling the massive immigration papers.
Auditions, it IS difficult, painful, costly (even for a bum who don't care much about the accomodate) , even soul killer. for string players, you need to play like Robot -- percisely machine -- you don't nessersaryly have to be a artist, more likely you need to be a acrobat! Maybe I am exagguat, but you can't say it is not true at all. But, do I have choice?
Yes, many times, I have been wondering this, if the whole things of playing violin, make music really matters in my life? is that what I really want? Unfortunately, I don't have answer yet, really doubt there is one. So, instead, I changed my question to " If I don't do this, am I going to be regret?" the answer is 'YES'. it gives another way of thinking about it.
It's the time to honor, for many things, and for God, to honor HIM for the abilities given to me to play violin...
I am working on my immigration paper. filling up those forms make me really headache!! most others got attorney to do it, but the cheapist is D.I.Y (do it yourself). that is what I am doing. damn!
my friend Karen who plays in orchestra with me invite me for a dinner. we went Chess cake Factory at Prudential Central. It's so nice of her bought me a dinner for my birthday. we had salmen fish. food was very good, cost $40, she said she got me a cheap birthday dinner. Just got back from NOLA for my visa stuff. now, need to prepare auditions. Robert is so kind let me stay at his parents house at Salem. Just for you knowing this, Salem is very famous 'witch town'. so, I am here, who born in Halloween.
where the next? boston or houston? I have to decide soon. I really hate the cold in boston. unbearable.
I met Trista (a tall Norwegin girl) and had coffee together on the Magazine street. She is all happy, much happier than last time I saw her. She just got a new car yesterday -- a mini cooper. She is in love with it. I think this small and cute car are perfect for NOLA. easy to squze into a parking space, easy to sneaking around uptown. She is getting positive, I am glad.
Manon gets thinner and thinner. I am a little worried. but she don't think so. I wish she can at least put some weight.
Trinity church looking same. I really want to go inside to pray, just for once. but I know I maybe will freak out everyone. so I just stayed out side.
NOLA has beautiful weather right now. perfect I say! But I have to leave soon. I am not really welcome to here. I got my mission complished (at least the very important part) here, so I guess I am leaving without regret. I really likes here, but...
I told myself ' hey, you have to won a audition within half a year, and finish your working visa process (hope I will get it sooner even eventually I will get one), otherwise, you are really suck Yong!
I think I cried last night in my dream. Nanette and sleeped in a same bed, but I don't want to touch her. I never slept with someone I don't love, and she is 20 years old. sorry, no attraction, that's the truth.
Nanette keep telling me that she start to have picture that we might be able to somehow make this marriedge work out. Which I don't think so, there is not attraction at all. but I just said, we will see.
remember begining of this deal. she want to help me, but the 3,000 is the key. without this money, I don't think she will do this. but I don't think I will stay with her, I will only keep her as friend. She start to dream about how I found a job that she can come to live together, and stay together... hold on, that is not the deal, we are not really married, we are not in love or anything. I am religious about love, I married because the paper, and she knows. I sense after I get a job, it would be difficult to devorce. because she is going to feel I dumped her or I don't want to help her. but the truth is, this is NOT a relationship from the begining. I can't stay married with someone I don't love. I need have my own life. This is not the deal. She married me Not because the love, the big part is the money. I can give her more. but no relationship beyond friendship. and I don't want anyone depend on me except my love one, which I will NOT have one anyways.
I have to be careful. deal is deal. there is no extra deal for later. so I can only tell her let see what happen. but I know it is very tiny chance that I will fall in love with her.
I am staying a place called Materia in NOLA, home of a well recongnized bonsai master Vaughn Banting. I don't know him, just because Nanette knows him.
He lives on whirechair, had brain cancer. We had a great conversation about life, politics, china and usa. He is really well know Bonsai Master in this contury not long ago. I think most people doing Bonsai knows him. He start to doing this when he was 12, that is his passion, he had no kids or family.
After 'Katrina', and he has to give away all he is Bonsais because he is physically not able to take of them. I said that must to be very sad. He said not. 'the process of growing bonsais, wathing it from a little branch, a seed to a piece to art, means more to him rather then it's done. I agree. Life process is more interesting than its results. right?
'the cancer was the best thing I have' he said, I was shock. 'it becuase the cancer really give you a chance to think, uhm, I am not to waste my time doing something I don't want, or for somebody else; I am going to do something where my passion is. I know I am not going to live too long, so I am free from the fear of death, I am just going to working on things I always want to achieve' that is what he says.
I played music to him; he isn't well educated on classical music. he and his girlfriend, both on whirlechair, was riding in his back yard. I was just playing for him so he feels like he is dancing. I am not sure about that, but glad he enjoyed. that's make me feel better.
I am so admire his strengh, because if I am on the whirelchair, I think I will kill myself, or I will have not be able to enjoy my life. I am not that strong.
hope he will staying happy. he plans to dating someone again. I admire that too.
I always think I will marray someone I realy love so much that I can give her my life. That was my dream since I was 12.
Today, I am going to marry this lady, over twenty years older than me, I don't even know her last name. I am doing this because I have no choice. I need to be able to work and pursuit my dream. so, it's a show. I don't feel anything about this marriege, except when I remind my dream, I feel sad. this is my first marriege. and it maybe the last one also because I know I may never be able to love someone completely as once before.
I am going to sleep in the park, one next to Tulne University. I guess tomorrow I have to do the same thing. Wensday maybe things will change. sometimes, things tuff, but have to take it.
I didn't want to go to kindgard (because my teacher took away my chocolates), so my parents let me stay in home - in exchange of study violin. my first teacher is a amature violinist, he was very nice and patient. but I didn't like violin, because I have to practice while my young friends are playing. But I was doing good with violin as other remembered, better than most of my friends. But I want to be a scientist, until when I got my job at 19 when I was in china.
When I was 6, my mom told me one day she will die as all others. I cried so hard. Since then, I will always wake up in the middle of night, because I am scared of death. I remembered the feeling very clearly, even now. A lot of time, I will be scared to watch the stars (I enjoyed it but at same time I scare of the endless), or blue skies without clouds. I think I just scared of the power of nature mother and knowing I have no way to change it. This 'death scare feeling' ended five years latter, after my great grandmother died. That I start to understand the process of life has more meaning than it's start or end.
Before 15, of my attention of love is towards small animals --- cat, dog, fish etc. I dreamed about have a puppy, but never had one.
Since 15, I had my very first girlfriend. She is a singer. I still remember many things about us. We usally ride bike to school trying hand in hand on bike. When nobody see us, we quickly kisses, so we fall off bike many times.
Then, I went to College, to study violin. I was a bad student. But I was lucky to got a job in orchestra right after I finished college.
After I worked a year with the orchestra, I start to question if this is the life. I had a job, life will just goes like this. I want to see more and explore more of myself as well as the world. So I decide to destroy everything I have and leave my country to U.S. Then, the difficult has come one by one for the over five years. I had learned a lot about life, the people, myself. Sometimes I am so suprised who I am right now. I found I liked the change. But the process could be extremely difficult. I am not reget yet, I say.
Now, I am still here, in U.S. facing some unbearable situation. but I have to deal with it anyway. Most time, I am just by myself. I am not very sociable. So I bearly went to party or bar. I know I got a lot of things need to fix, one way to do it is keep playing my violin -- better and better. there is no excuse for me.
Believe or not, I start to searching my faith with God after an angel left. It was painful, very. but I know that is the time that God decide.
since I was a child, I dreamed to marry someone I really love in my future. Stay and love with her forever. I am religious about love long before I become a Christian.
Next week, I am going to married. and I don't know her last name, and don't know how old she is. I only know she is a dancer through my church family in NOLA. Of couse she knows this deal, we both very clear and honest about that. That's going to be my first marriedge. maybe it is the only one.
Everytime I read my own words, I found that even myself could not completely agree what I have writen below. The reason I kept here is because it was there, what I felt at the moment..........................................................
We are so easyly to ignore what we have by searching what we don't; even it's so vital and has been with us since forever, we can only see it when it begin to disappear. We can't sense the air but under the water. We can't sense the water but lost in the desert. We can't see who loved us most but by the time we lost it
Money. Aha! It values us greatly in our society even in our own mind. Rethink, if ones said it can't make you are better person; Rethink, if you've been told it can't buy you happiness and a love from others… Money, the most powerful thing we had invented has equally two sides – angel and devil. No matter which we followed, our voice will be amplified extremely. For many people, or maybe for all of us, it has become a universal religion; the difference is some think life is all about it and some think its all about the life. For me, I will not feel regret that I bought a 15 dollars flower for my love one, at the same time really believed and appreciated that 1 dollar could make a day for someone out there… (April 21st, 2005)
All the things we have learned and studied in our past, were secretly inspiring each others in our mind; even we could hardly acknowledge this immediately, it will definitely pay off in the future. The broader we have learned, the smaller we would miss. Also, I guess, keep exploring and learning interesting things broadly is like filling up the spectrum; once we have all the colors, we could choose the favorite one without miss any. (March 29, 2005)
When a beautiful thing goes wrong, should I try to save it or leave it? If there is nothing could save, wish there is something good to remember.
If the TRUTH is the cruelty to us and the blade to others, should we still open it? If we have to choose, should we die like hero or live like normal? (March 27th, 2005)
In our history, the world never changed because of those who understood and followed; It changed only because of those who disagreed and even misunderstood. (March 23rd, 2005
The great value of ones life is how it has been remembered in others
The universe is more tend to balanced rather than equaled
Sometimes I feel I am a person who trying to survive in the reality but living in the fantasy; I know I could never reach my fantasy; it can only lead me to searching... but, I would rather never lived without dreaming of my fantasy...(March 22nd, 2005
Our Life is the experience for individuals; the history of the world is the experience for our entire human; what happened before will always find the way to reflect at our own path in varies form. We should learn more about the world history because when the time come upon for decisions, we can always refer to the past – what the forerunner had been through. It will lead us a better understanding and maybe a way to avoid the suffering (like the war) again. (March 20/2005
If we could really comprehend one thing completely- yes, just one thing. We will be capable to understand every single thing in our world. Because, deep inside, everything share the same spirits
There is no right or wrong only if you choose to stand a certain position to look at it
People's comments could upset you or make you happy. Actually, it's all about what you want to hear or what you don't
Trusts from others make me a better person
Understand it before judge it. But remember, no matter where we stand, we can NOT see things in all it sides
Life is loving others; Love is a courage, giving without asking
We are unique also similar. In the big picture, we are generally same; we are just the tine spots that mixed up to one giant image – human. In the details, we are so different. We do share same spirits in many aspects even we all living up at different lifes (cultural, educational, social, genetic, etc
Sometimes we believe in things only because we want to;
The process could be much more important than the result; we are not born to die even that is our destiny, we are born to enjoy the process. If we do properly, our life will not end when the time come up. our spirit will carry on at others
Take a breath to understand this -- The most powerful thing we could have is ourselves; The most trustful ones in our life could be others. But what we usually see is the opposite – The most powerful thing belongs to others and we can only trust ourselves. (April 29, 2005)
Those are Yong's original thoughts; there is NO necessarily to agree and welcome to discuss.
I was picked up at Tulane University New Orleans. I was sleeping at their practice building and waiting to go to a summer camp at Arkansas two weeks later..
Perhaps I shouldn’t be at New Orleans at all even I had no place to go at that moment.
One morning, someone saw me sleep in the isle of Dixon Hall, and asked me to leave. I found a student card in practice room so I picked up for being able to access.
A woman saw me in the hall way of Dixon Hall came after who am I and what instrument I am playing. I told her. If I am not wrong, she called the Camp police right away.
Police came to library found me. It wasn’t the most surprise thing they found me at Library, it was what was in their hand. They were holding a picture of me, which only exist on "Friendster". How come they know I am on ‘Friendster"? who would give them my information? I asked, one of the police said ‘we are waiting for you Yong’.
Yes they were waiting for me. It all have to do with a relationship from past. I was being considered as a serious ’stalker’… Someone had claimed if they ever saw me again they’d report me to immigration. I told them my visa was expired, and they used this to against me. So, I was reported to SAS (ICE agent) Mcgonigle from Boston. It’s very sad to me to think if my ex had report me. After all, what I did and what I didn’t they should know better.
After four hours lock down in a small room at Tulane’s Camp, I was picked up by NOPD. I asked where is my stuff (I had a school bag, a laptop, etc)… nobody said a word.
I arrived at a jail called ‘OPP’ as Orlenas Parish Prison… then, I know I was in trouble. People in that prison, include the guards were animals. There is no dignity in any kind. people were treat like animals… I have to take a break to give you details.
oh, just got caught by security at Music School. they found I was sleep at there and has NOTHING to do with Rice University. eeeekkkk can’t believe Houston is this cold, 30 degree.
Tomorrow I have to get on greyhound again to a new place. I have my violin and a school bag, everything else was gone. Made some cash by playing Sweeney Todd, hope its enough for a first month rent. After two months of BUM-ing around, from north to south, from east to west, many states, many cities, I decide stay at a place for a while.
I want to have a start there; even I am beginning from zero, no, actually from negative. Don’t know anyone there.
9/11 is the truly signature of our human stain. It applies to all of us.
I can not comprehend if it was A lesson from God or it was A Curse from Devil, or it was both.
It’s raining out side, air becomes pleasant with a bit of bitter greenly taste. I am taking a silence and deep breath…trying to pray but couldn’t reach the peace inside.
Today, from today. I know I will have no place to go anymore. to people who hate me they will never forgive me, they will never want to believe me. to people who love me they can’t help me anymore. to the young girl who wants to help my visa with marriage, I can not go back to see her… it’s all the end.
I am the trouble, so I deserve to be banished from a city, a church, a place that has my hope to restart my life… I don’t blame anyone except myself…the punish is servere…
It’s so clear, my existence has brought so many pain and suffereing to people who loves me, to people who hates me, to people who I love, and to myself…
In front of God, I am shaking… I am scared …I am crying… I am begging… but, there is no mercy… there is no save…
Click here and take a look Shang Hai, China where I studied five years ago. Now, it’s so different. I don’t know if I like it because it becomes the most westernlised city in China. It is most advanced in the tech and economy, but certainly moving away from the traditions. Maybe you will like it. so enjoy!
Zidane, was the French hero shining above ‘world cup’ for many years. It’s sad to see his farewell game for a crazy head butt to the chest of the Italian guy. Like one of the reporter said: that moment, the devil must had a word to him.
After 28 years, team Italy had the very first got back the ‘world cup’ title. and it is also the first they defeat team France. what a fate!
after recital, people came to give compliments to me and my pianist. Most of it is like ‘good job’, ’sounds so beautiful’, ‘uh. it’s so…whatever. Me and my pianist were both tired and just want to get out of it. Then, the ‘highlight’ came from a college boy who wearing baseball hat " hey, Dude, you guys sounds awesome, just like..um..you know…making out each other or something…" I and my pianist both agree that is the highest, the best compliment ever. It perfectly described the idea of the intimacy of chamber music and more important that he noticed our playing were together…at least most of the time!
I think Sluty is just a body language. Sexy is not just a look, it has much more in content of personality. you think you maybe sluty, take a good look of This Girl from Friendster. then think again. I accidently surfed into her blogs. after read her blogs, I suddently feel I am Not in the same planet with her! She is beyond 3p. Yikes
Recent events taught me something. Even a beautiful thing could turn to be horrible. I tried so hard to save it, but failed completely. It reminds me the song from Beatles "Let it Be". that seems like the best way to end. If there is nothing to save, wish there is something good to remember,’let it be’ let it be……
How to distinguish an experienced conductor from a fresh-aboard one by watching? It’s not so difficult. One moves organically, and another is robotically. I am watching myself doing it from mirror and can’t stop laughing. I am only an half organic!
Being a conductor(a good one) involves so many things. I am sitting here to thinking that beyonds the actually musical gifts I have, there are soooo many things I have to work on. There are effective lingual skills, Clear body languages, massive knowledge of arts, social and communication skills, ability to direct and be persuasive without being mean, open minded, confident and comfortable about myself… I think I will have long way to approach the kind of conductor I want to be. I am starting at zero.
My Dear God, a year ago you sent an Angel to me. She came and left. But it opened my eyes and taught me how to listen. I will always feel very grateful at every 7.4. My dear Lord, please always take care of your little Angel, loving her and embracing her with your eternal light. Please don’t forget save me with your love.
I got fired from O.L.O. before I could able to think straight. The company gave me their "highest courtesy" as they could — two officers, one with gun, put me into their car and drove me out of the city Wooster.
For the first time in my life I was treat as a terrorist, or a serial killer or something. I admit I was out of my mind and had strange behaviors. After all, it was my fault and I felt stupid. But I didn’t hurt anyone or before. I mean how could I possiblly hurt someone I really love so much? It was rediculous!
I couldn’t notice that walking outside of somebody’s house would cause such a problem. Psychologically, I remembered at the moment, when I felt I miss someone and want to be closer to someone so I walked to the house; then I knew it’s not going to happen so I just walk back. I remember there was only two or three times I actually walked around. I guess someone saw me and think I must be a serial killer.
I had a dream that night. I was trying to explain something and people suddently spraied me with ‘pepper spray’…that must be hurt.
Anyways, I didn’t try to explain anything because I was just too sad and too mad at myself. But I think I learned from this incident.
By the way. Right after O.L.O, I got another gig out of blue. It must because God try to save me. So now I am at upstate New York for five weeks — doing assistant concertmaster for the Bard Conducting Institute Orchestra. Thank God. I thought I am going to starve and sleep on the street again. I have been told once “from God, there is always something replace what you lost”; it didn’t apply to love but it did come up for survive.
Stomatix is a testing medicine (free) I got for my stomach problem. It seems work. But today I got five emails from the doctor and the FDA titled “Warning! Immediately stop taking Stomatix”. I had bad feeling before read the emails. Basically, the FDA found this Stomatix is poisoning!!! It takes a while to be found out because it only become poisoning together with milk! It will poison the neural system for over 14 hours as a regular take. Because the neural paralysis, you will feel irritated, anxious, depressed or the opposite – get Hi (drug dealers must be happy). Two reports from hospitals say serious symptom could cause suicidal behaviors.
I have been taking this Stomatix for over five months now. I don’t drink lot milk but I do have milk with coffee and I drink a lot of coffee.
For a while I was wondering how could I become such an emotional freaks. I mean I am kind of emotional person but still reasonable. But for a while I feel sometimes I can’t even control myself. I often feel it’s not me or I have been changed. Now I am feeling it must have to do with this stupid free Stomatix shit. I shouldn’t sign the paper (I remember it has two pages with fine prints!) for just free medicine. Now I feel I am just fucked!
Do NOT Ever take testing medicine even it is free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God please help me before I am turnning to a stranger to myself, a person I am afraid of. If God you have to make me suffering, please listen my pray : it is enough, I can’t be like this forever, please heal me.
First time going to Gym continually. Once in two days, twenty minutes. I have been planning that since I was five but never implemented it. After three weeks, I am in good shape ever and it helps me not feeling so low. Got some complements from gays/girls but actually I don’t care. I always wish people would like me because of my personality not only how I look. Because the look will fade away and something in my heart will always be there. If you like me, try to be patient and look inside of me.
I guess we are all kind of superficial in a way. For example, I want to date a girl who is pretty. I think I did follow this ‘rules’ before. But… I can only follow in love with her when I know she is also a beautiful inside. Knowing that make me feel better about being superficial.
I wish I will be able to go to Gym always after this OLO. but, I guess that is just a wish.
A girl told me days ago that "the best way to forget a deepest love is loving yourself". I think she is right. I have been loving someone much more than loving myself, and I forgot how to breathe… I need to love myself more I guess. I am not regret about the love that I had and lost, even though I think one time is enough. It was a suprise to found out myself a silliest lover ever, should only exist in stories, not in real life. God, please help me, let me bury the love somewhere safe and secret, because it is priceless.
‘Shipoopi’ is a scene from "Music Man". Think the word is very funny. I am doing light operas at Ohio.Found myself really enjoying watching singers on the stage. All of them seemed having fun and very into it. It made me jealous that I start to thinking being a singer has much more fun than being a boring orchestra player.
I have been here in Wooster for two weeks already. Made couple of friends, there are nice to me. A girl had hit on me but I was pretty good to turn her down — in a nice way as usual. Going to gym frequently and it does help. My lunch become a huge one ever because it is free. Finally put on two pounds. Found the Parfait from McDonald’s isn’t bad. Walking to the nearest Church everyday to pray as usual. My life here is very peaceful when I don’t think about what’s coming after… wish could be longer.
A singer who I know from before is becoming a really really good one. Unbelievable improvements and much more confidences. Glad to see it.
I exiled to Wooster, Ohio yesterday. I am here doing ’silly’ and ‘funny’ light opera. Happy! Free lunch! Free living! Get paid! Surround by cheap fast—food! I finally got a bed for my own, at least for a while! Let me relax now, getting back to health (heard there is a swimming pool!), get more concerto done! Nothing could be better. Happy!
I think I ought to tell any girl who intend to date me to rethink: are you sure about a homeless boyfriend? That way at least, I won’t feel being dishonest and it’s fair to the girl.(except she is over 70)
Did LPO audition today. Got first substitute position for sure or maybe a one year contract position — depends on the one ahead me is going to take the job or not. Feel so low actually because the auditions for me are going to be pointless if I don’t fix my visa.
Here are what I learned, or I had already know.
First: if I don’t fix my visa, nobody can’t hire me even I win the audition. And I knew it. It becomes a big nightmare recently. I found myself can’t really concentrate on preparing the audition. Everytime when I start to practice the excerpts, the worry of my visa situation stabs my nerves and makes me so frustrated. I am thinking, what the hell I am practicing for?
Second: I think I should play at least once for the concertmaster as all others does before the audition. Guess what? I actually played wrong rhythm at one bar and didn’t even noticed. It’s a shame! But the fact is I never played the orchestra excerpts for anywho. I guess I should do it in future. If I played for someone before audition I probably would win the audition. Well, playing for Concertmaster maybe is too expensive for me.
Third: four days practice isn’t enough at all. I do have time to practice actually, but I just can’t concentrate into it anymore. I did push a little at the last minutes, but obviously it was too late. Damn, too many worries in my mind, during the days, and in my dreams. I am losing the most important thing for auditions — the "mental power", without this, in my case, I had already lost at least half of the chance to win!
OK, no excuses! I think I probably will play with LPO as substitute becuase orchestras in Boston can’t hire me anymore, or maybe I will get the one year position. But wait, maybe the sub is better because it does not severely require my visa Too much; the one year position definitely need me to show my visa/working permit which I don’t have one. So, maybe I was unconsciously planned to get the substitute position, or God had planned that for me.
Trinity Church at New Orleans had been so generous for me. When I was desperate and decide stay in the park, I called them and they offered a place for me to stay even nobody knows me. And the musician there even bought me food! I don’t know if I deserve their generous and don’t know how I can contribute back in future. I guess the only thing I could to do, is playing music for them. Thanks God and people from Trinity Church N.O helped me to go through this difficult period. When I starting lose everything, so many people offered their hands. What amaze me most is, they are not close to me. I feel very grateful about this. During this period, friends that were close to me went away first. I think I must have scared them because I am just too much trouble to help. I understand the reason: they must feel they can’t help me so they had to chose avoid. I guess it is very normal. But I will still remember them as my good friends because there are many wonderful memories had stayed. I use to think I am a generous person or as other says, but compare to those people who helped me, I am far away not enough! Now, I know more about what and where I should stand for.
Next question: Visa, visa and damn visa. If I don’t get this fixed… scares me even think of this. Give me a break!
people from my summer job asked me for my bio. I sent one, got revised one back. If you know me you know my bio is true, but they don’t. It’s funny, read below to see what they think about me:
What I wrote:
Originally from China. Attend Shanghai Conservatory and Longy School of Music. Former member of the Boston Philharmonic, New Bedford Symphony, Bangor Symphony, and the Eastern Connecticut Symphony etc. Mexican union. Violinist plays in concert halls and also on the street.
that is my bio, no jokes.
Yong
Dear Yong,
Thank you for sending your bio to me. Below is a revised copy for your review. Please read this to make sure I have not changed the meaning of anything. I used the phrase "open air public venues" to soften playing "on the streets," as this has a negative meaning.
Let me know if this is okay.
Thanks,
Sharon
What they want:
YONG LIU, violin, originally from China, attend the Shanghai Conservatory and Longy School of Music. Yong is a former member of the Boston Philharmonic, New Bedford Symphony, Bangor Symphony, and the Eastern Connecticut Symphony. Yong was also a union musician in Mexico, playing the violin in concert halls and in open air public venues.
Conclusion:
their words are magic! wrapping me up with a prettier outfit! but what happen if I am naked!
Sako is a six years old black curly haired girl dog. Her full name as on the tag is Sakula, that gives a hint about her owner is a Japanese, my friend Andrews girlfriend.
Sako likes me I know. For the whole week she slept on futon with me and don’t want to leave at all even I probably kicked her during the nights.
Sako is on her diet recently. She is fairly small type dog but weight 24 ponds now (I guess that means a lot for her size). Huge stomach and butt! But she is still very cute, but maybe not extremely sexy. Just kidding!
I decide to take her to walk because I am leaving tomorrow and don’t know if I will see Sako again. Reiko, Andrews girl friend remind me that I have to bring a plastic bag with. See, I don’t have any experience about this stuff because I never own a dog, even I really wanted one when I was little.
So, I got a plastic bag ready for Sako and a cup of coffee for myself and ready to go. Right after we hit on the street she decides to have a huge poop. Looking at her very satisfied face I know I have to picked her poop up. Man, it wasn’t that easy to touch the warm and fresh… Anyway, I got it clean and threw away immediately. Sako is happy at outside, jumping up and down and suspicious about any things such like small birds, scrolls, etc. I guess all the dog does. About ten minutes later, Sako suddenly stopped. My instinct tells me something shitty is going to happen. Right, she pooped again! I think I am freaked out because I had used the only plastic bag for her first happy poop already. So, what I am going to do with the secondary happy poop? Well, at the last minutes I decide just picked up with my coffee cup (just a paper kind). Man, I have to take her back before she is going to have the third one. So, I was holding a cup of her poop in the air religiously and running back to the apartment. But I think Sako was happy and I am glad I had walked her at least for once.
I think I will have a dog one day. Maybe a big dog!
I am doing my last couple of concerts right now. After that, I think it will be a while to be able to play in orchestra again.
My last concert with Boston Philharmonic was the highlight of this year. We played Tchaikovsky Symphony fifth and violin concerto by Shostakovich. Of course Ben Zander took three different tempos in our three days concerts (his famous about that). Luck enough that members at BPO have been used to it other wise… The 18 years old violinist, she was phenomenal; I certainly learned something by watching her playing during the rehearsals (it is how I learned and improved my playing for years). Her name? Sorry, I forgot. After last concert we were invited to Ben Zander annual party at his house. I went with my new/old friend Megan. I decide this is the last chance to mooch Ben Zander and get free food, so I didn’t hesitate to go. After the party when I say goodbye to Ben, he asked me what I am doing for the summer and suggested I should do something that I have never experienced before; Well, I told him I am going to working in restaurants if I have to. He agreed that is going to be quite interesting experience, but I can tell from his face that he was wondering why? I think he was expecting something a little bit more significant. Well, what can I say?
Last concert with New Bedford Symphony was ok. We played Beethoven Symphony No. 7 and something else that I don’t remember. I am not a big fan of the new conductor. He is very nice and knowledgeable about music. But for my opinion (if I am allow to have one since I am not there anymore), he reminds me the Band conductors; logically perfect, less imagination on music. But I believe he will be fine with the orchestra.
Last concert with New Hampshire Symphony is this week. We are playing Beethoven No. 5 with new German edition (that means the bowing for the articulations are fairly different than the old edition; but that has been done for over ten years in Europe and we are just about catch up.). The conductor is one of my favorite. Kind of English though.
Next week I am playing Eastern Connecticut Symphony. Going between there and Boston at every nights had been a pain in the butt before. Two hours drive to there and two hours drive back seems endless for me. Luck me, someone has been driving. I used to text message with Amf or just sleeping in the car. This time, I am just going to stay at the town. I found myself not crazy about this orchestra plus they don’t pay much at all. What we are going to play? Sorry I didn’t pay attention about it at all.
So my last concert with orchestras is going to be at May 14th. From then, I guess my musician life as an orchestra player is going to be suspending for a while. Don’t know for how long; a little scary to even think of that. Think of all those orchestras I had auditioned, worked, played countless concerts with them, it really hard to say goodbye. But, I have to right now. If you know me well, I guess you know the reason.
I think I was fairly good violinist. I went to school but what really affects my playing was really by self guidance. This way at least that I can always have a very private and free teacher all the time. My violin is not very expensive, it worth 2,000 dollars. It may still sounds a lot to non-musicians. But I love my violin; it can bring out music to express myself much better than my non-sophisticated English. I think my violin, she is a real beautiful. I think I need a better bow. I have a coda fiber class bow but the hair is gone. Now I am using a bow cost 15 dollar. But actually it is ok to play concertos. It works fine when I play loud and I can play really loud. It’s difficult for chamber music or orchestra music though. I hope I can keep my babi violin and never have to sell her. She has been with me and next to me for a long long time.
Another day I was sitting in somebody’s car to a rehearsal. Watching cars going by made me suddenly think: life sometimes is like on the highway; in order to get to the new place, you have to take exit first. I think this, maybe is my exit!
Recently I received too many hugs, fare well shake hands, good wishes from people I had known or I don’t really know. It touches me so much. Maybe too much, because I feel like they are saying goodbye to a person who is going to die soon. I mean I admit I almost there once recently but I am not dead yet!
I guess I am in the transition time to change —the way of looking at the things, the way of understanding things, the way of thinking about things… this period are so difficult and so painful. My personality has been change back and forth like a spiral wheel, feel dizzy! But I am so happy I didn’t let the hate and anger dominate me as I thought it would. It’s so easy to hate when we feel the world and people are unfair to us, or someone had hurt us. Remember I am a Scorpio? That means the revenge and hate are the naturally part of Scorpio’s dark side. But now I finally understand those things will only bring more and more pain to me. By the way, I think I am not that easy to get hurt except one thing.
Finally I have to admit I am kind of pushing sometimes. bad bad bad because I didn’t even able to notice this for a long long time. Once someone told me about it and I got really shocked; because I didn’t believe it at all. It must has to do with my stubborn and impatient! Damn, it needs to be kicked away because it is not what I want to be at all!!
I think the changing of me has to do with my belief that I am practicing; feel very grateful about it.
The word Resurrection in its root of Greek means stand up again. Sometime I think maybe God was trying to give us a example: in believe of God, we shall stand up again.
I am here staying at my friends Andrew and his girl friend Ereiko’s apartment for a week. So nice of them took me in without hesitate. I know Andrew from Longy; played many gigs together. We are sort of close but not so close. I feel so moved at this critical moment of me, when I am just about going to be homeless, someone offered their hand who is not even so close to me. They could just say no and it wouldn’t make them lose anything. Can I do the same and be as generous as they are when somebody asked me for help?
Their dog is so friendly. I think somehow she likes me. No matter where I go or I am just sitting somewhere, she is always around me. Even when I am practicing boring orchestra excerpts which are terribly boring. I think I ought to tell this cutie that I am a Chinese and she is dog plus I am leaving so the relationship is not going to work out!
It’s May first already. Feel so could still. The chilly winds make me feel so low. Sometime I think the spring has been cancelled again. Maybe it just because of me, but I love warm weather so much. I guess the psychologically works to me like; cold leads to lonely; lonely leads to sad; sad leads to depression; and depression leads to cold again. I think I need to move to somewhere warm so I don’t need to worry the expensive winter cloth and it’s good to built back my shape again! Well, we will see.
I went to Boston Trinity Church for the regular Sunday worship. It might be the last time for now since I am not around that area anymore. I met my priest Michael Dangelo and said goodbye. He gave me a hug and asked me keep in touch. He said, take care yourself Yong. I had to leave before tears come out. This is my very first Church, where I went to pray almost every single day I could for last couple of months. I can’t really tell I had gain many strengths from my praying right now, but I know something has growing on me. Be patient! That is what I never had and is what I really need.
Walking through the Fenway Park today, I suddenly smelled the flower. It is the same kind of scent I remembered from last year. It’s from thousands tiny white flowers on a single tree. The only kind I found in the whole park. I don’t know the name of this tree that hidden from the walking path; hardly noticeable and nothing looking special. But it caught my attention by its unique smell; not so sweet, a little bitter, fresh, and with just a touch of fruity. I enjoyed it so much and found a smile on my face. It’s been a while since last time I remembered I could smile. I have been doubt about if I could ever enjoy anything again. But the unknowing little flowers brought me a smile and brightened up my mood. It reminds me one thing I had ignored for long time: “mother nature has endless love for us as always”.
I think I sleeped a lot recently. my be my body still weak? I don’t know actually. usually I never go to bed before 2 now is before 12 for sure. too many weired dreams, but at least I don’t need watch movies anymore — I generate shows every night!
When the time that I need help, most of my old friends become so busy at the same time. I gues I just have too much trouble that scared them. I am sad but I understand their difficulties.
My last concert with Bangor Main and we played Brahms: Ein Deutsches Requiem. I think this is the first time I did actually. Reharsals were really bad. I didn’t play well also. But the concert went good! The soloists are soprano Barbara Shirvis and baritone Zheng Zhou. They both are very professional. I like the soprano her voice a lot, beautiful tone. The orhcestra are ok I guess. What amazed me most is the music. German Requiem by Brahms is famous, right, everyone knows. shamely I don’t understand the words at all (shame again, A.M.F speaks German beautifully)! But the music effect me so much even I couldn’t understand the words. I guess I could have spaces to imagine the meaning of the words. I love Brahms. One day I am going to play my Brahms violin concerto with Ochestra! BTW, there were a 82 years old lady in the audience, she was born at same apartment as Brahms! This concert was dedicated to a violinist from the orchestra who just died days ago. I almost cried.
It’s hard to kick off a old habit! I heard people warn me how bad is smoke like "it cost your money and health", "you will get wrinkles", "you are going to have cancer" etc.
I have a better one to say "Not everyone could quit smoke, but No one regreted after!"
Someone withdrawed some money from my Debit Card. Well, there wasn’t much money left at all. but don’t know how the got my pin number?
Trying to sell my CDs to a store. Do you know how much they want to buy for? 50ct! Man, mostly of them are over $15 when I bought them. kind of sad!
Can’t sign in my 10 years-old-Hotmail anymore. have not clue how it possible?! that means I am going to lost many many great friends from China, and even friends from High School. Maybe I am just too old to remember my pin or something. So, only email me at yongliuviolin@hotmail.com in future.
Cellphone just died! I guess it’s ok, not really use it too much recently. maybe I should just retire it for good. that way I can save $500 for a year!
my friends said somehow my eyes look so big recently and so is my head. Because my hair is very short so from a distance, looks sort of like a E.T! I was confused for a while. Today I got the answer. when your face become smaller your eyes look bigger. when you lost a lot weight your head will also just looking bigger.
anyone see the movie ’super-size me’? I just didn’t get it because I eat fast food (within the dollar menu of cause) so often and I lost a lot weight. Should I ask McDonalds or Wendys to hire me and put me in their advertise ‘ look — not everyone will gain weight by obssese our food — it has been proved that our food could help you loose weight!, Mr. Liu, would you mind tell us your experience about the fast food, people seemed like over concerned about ……%^&*(($$&^$#((*|+__&*(_)+_–/*/
then you will see next scene:
Yong is depositing a 2,000 check from the fastfood company and secretly sweared the first thing he want to do with this money is "get some real food that still have dignity" — cut/
Last days at Boston. A place made me feel home and same time make me feel lonely. It’s time to move I guess. Where am I going? I don’t know, hope is somewhere warmer. So many memories from this city. Thank you Boston, you have given me so much! can I do something for you dear Boston?
Everytime I read my own words, I found that even myself could not completely agree what I have writen below. The reason I kept here is because it was there, what I felt at the moment………………………………………………….
We are so easyly to ignore what we have by searching what we don’t; even it’s so vital and has been with us since forever, we can only see it when it begin to disappear. We can’t sense the air but under the water. We can’t sense the water but lost in the desert. We can’t see who loved us most but by the time we lost it
Money. Aha! It values us greatly in our society even in our own mind. Rethink, if ones said it can’t make you are better person; Rethink, if you’ve been told it can’t buy you happiness and a love from others… Money, the most powerful thing we had invented has equally two sides – angel and devil. No matter which we followed, our voice will be amplified extremely. For many people, or maybe for all of us, it has become a universal religion; the difference is some think life is all about it and some think its all about the life. For me, I will not feel regret that I bought a 15 dollars flower for my love one, at the same time really believed and appreciated that 1 dollar could make a day for someone out there… (April 21st, 2005)
All the things we have learned and studied in our past, were secretly inspiring each others in our mind; even we could hardly acknowledge this immediately, it will definitely pay off in the future. The broader we have learned, the smaller we would miss. Also, I guess, keep exploring and learning interesting things broadly is like filling up the spectrum; once we have all the colors, we could choose the favorite one without miss any. (March 29, 2005)
When a beautiful thing goes wrong, should I try to save it or leave it? If there is nothing could save, wish there is something good to remember.
If the TRUTH is the cruelty to us and the blade to others, should we still open it? If we have to choose, should we die like hero or live like normal? (March 27th, 2005)
In our history, the world never changed because of those who understood and followed; It changed only because of those who disagreed and even misunderstood. (March 23rd, 2005
The great value of ones life is how it has been remembered in others
The universe is more tend to balanced rather than equaled
Sometimes I feel I am a person who trying to survive in the reality but living in the fantasy; I know I could never reach my fantasy; it can only lead me to searching… but, I would rather never lived without dreaming of my fantasy…(March 22nd, 2005
Our Life is the experience for individuals; the history of the world is the experience for our entire human; what happened before will always find the way to reflect at our own path in varies form. We should learn more about the world history because when the time come upon for decisions, we can always refer to the past – what the forerunner had been through. It will lead us a better understanding and maybe a way to avoid the suffering (like the war) again. (March 20/2005
If we could really comprehend one thing completely- yes, just one thing. We will be capable to understand every single thing in our world. Because, deep inside, everything share the same spirits
There is no right or wrong only if you choose to stand a certain position to look at it
People’s comments could upset you or make you happy. Actually, it’s all about what you want to hear or what you don’t
Trusts from others make me a better person
Understand it before judge it. But remember, no matter where we stand, we can NOT see things in all it sides
Life is loving others; Love is a courage, giving without asking
We are unique also similar. In the big picture, we are generally same; we are just the tine spots that mixed up to one giant image – human. In the details, we are so different. We do share same spirits in many aspects even we all living up at different lifes (cultural, educational, social, genetic, etc
Sometimes we believe in things only because we want to;
The process could be much more important than the result; we are not born to die even that is our destiny, we are born to enjoy the process. If we do properly, our life will not end when the time come up. our spirit will carry on at others
Take a breath to understand this — The most powerful thing we could have is ourselves; The most trustful ones in our life could be others. But what we usually see is the opposite – The most powerful thing belongs to others and we can only trust ourselves. (April 29, 2005)
Those are Yong’s original thoughts; there is NO necessarily to agree and welcome to discuss.
I am someone who has a long journey to go... I may die on the road, but I think it is better than wait on the bed...Perhaps, I am just one passing by on the street... Yong, remember you promised be nice, and be good.
lonely 
bored 
sad 