me @ end of 2009

*I am still playing violin, rehearsal on every weekdays since March.
*I had lost some weight, but I couldn't quit smoke.
*I kept doing push-ups everyday, because I haven't done much exercise as I should.
*I probably only receive maximum four calls a week.
*I write one or two letters at each week.
*I start to get bored to be a concertmaster. I want to to be a conductor.
*I still drinking coffee at every morning, made by myself. (Most people don't in China)
*I turned away all the 'secret admire' from my orchestra.
*I got 'spoiled' by girls setting around me in orchestra. I felt bad sometimes I spoke mean stuff to them.
*I promised, be nice and be good.
*I finally found a church in my city. I will have a place to pray.
*I earned my reputations, but I didn't like the fact that my 'fans' are Moms and very young girls.
*I almost didn't spend on buying anything for a year. I saved my salary and I will give away for a better use.
*I admire people around who had married and become a father. But, I crossed that from my future list.
*I have not date anyone for years, I guess part of my heart is gone.
*I often mistaken people of my age by how I look.
*I am scared of noise, like old man.
*I don't know what is the meaning of my life when I miss someone.
*I don't talk much anymore.
*I am still very health in my appearance, just getting old in soul.
*I don't hold any angers from past anymore. I think I can say 'hi' again.
*I will squeeze more time to get more concertos done.
*I understood even I am not a happy soul, I don't have right to bring it to others.
*I wish next year, I will have a chance to conduct something and go to Europe.
.......
Yong@11.2009

for a unborn child

one of my long time friend is thinking of get abortion. but I wish she would keep it. and she will be ok.

I always believe, having a baby, give a new life, is the one most glorified thing we could ever do in our path. Even though it is seemed normal and it could happen to anyone; but, it is still such a wonderful feeling to be someone's parent. You know, holding its tiny hand to crossing a street, and tell a story even if it's just freshly made up... Rising a child is indeed a extraordinary task, but, joy will come together with tears. I believe.

Just don't give up too easy. It's a life after all.

I don't even dare to ask for a forgiveness

For the very first time in my life. I start to feel if I would ever be forgiven. I don't even dare to ask, and I don't have a right to ask. God said a sinner has to repent to be forgiven. Even I am trying to be good on everything I do, be nice to everyone I met, deep inside, I don't believe I would ever be forgiven. I hurt an Angel who was sent by Him. There is, no way I could ever forgive myself.

.......

I really wish I could just disappear in dust. I can't take the pain in my heart. It feels like a living hell.
I still play the violin in orchestra, trying my best to play as perfect as I could to be a good concertmaster. Some people together with my stand partner had noticed something wrong on me recently, even though I haven’t spoken it to anyone. How could I tell people because there is no one could possibly understand? My head is always down; walking around like old man; I don't want to look into eyes to anyone; I don't know if I am shamed or I am want keep from peoples noticing. They all think I just didn't sleep well. Most of them, still thinking I should be very happy about my job and life. They imagined that I am a healthy, respectful, friendly and even funny person. But, how could them possibly knowing what kind of suffering I am going through, for years.

If you ever seeing a opera, you will find a desperate moment which one of the people in the show would suffer so much. One of them is willing to die for exchange of the ending of such pain. I would laugh about it before. But, now, I think I just fit that scenario really well.

I really wish I could just die, even though I don't have the courage to do it, yet. But, I am waiting the moment. The things that worry me are my parents. I don't know if it's too cure to them, as I am the only child. But, in another hands, I am scared to even thinking that I have to live probably decades before my natural ending. I can't take that long, it is a torture. I want it to be finished, I need it so I can have a peace in soul. What should I do? I wish God can grant me a way, not too painful, but ends my breath. Can a person praying for his own death? I have been trying.

waiting for another busy day, so I would not need time to think, to miss, to love.

For last couple of months, I tried my best to keep being busy. I get up at 7:45, work until 4:30. then, maybe take a nap before dinner which will give me energy at night. After dinner, I get back to practice my violin for an hour or two until around 9:30. Then I get online read something or write something.....

But, when I am tired, can't work anymore, I don't know what to do. I don't want to talk to anyone even there isn't anyone I can freely share my mind. I try to watch a movie online, but I can't concentrate on the story... I sit there, stare on wall in my small room, feel so empty. I will start to miss someone, and it will making me want to cry. I have to write another letter so I felt I am talking to her, and I won't feel too depressed. But, I know it would never be read. I just wish I could sleep and waiting for another busy day, so I don't have time to think, to miss, to love.