me @ end of 2009

*I am still playing violin, rehearsal on every weekdays since March.
*I had lost some weight, but I couldn't quit smoke.
*I kept doing push-ups everyday, because I haven't done much exercise as I should.
*I probably only receive maximum four calls a week.
*I write one or two letters at each week.
*I start to get bored to be a concertmaster. I want to to be a conductor.
*I still drinking coffee at every morning, made by myself. (Most people don't in China)
*I turned away all the 'secret admire' from my orchestra.
*I got 'spoiled' by girls setting around me in orchestra. I felt bad sometimes I spoke mean stuff to them.
*I promised, be nice and be good.
*I finally found a church in my city. I will have a place to pray.
*I earned my reputations, but I didn't like the fact that my 'fans' are Moms and very young girls.
*I almost didn't spend on buying anything for a year. I saved my salary and I will give away for a better use.
*I admire people around who had married and become a father. But, I crossed that from my future list.
*I have not date anyone for years, I guess part of my heart is gone.
*I often mistaken people of my age by how I look.
*I am scared of noise, like old man.
*I don't know what is the meaning of my life when I miss someone.
*I don't talk much anymore.
*I am still very health in my appearance, just getting old in soul.
*I don't hold any angers from past anymore. I think I can say 'hi' again.
*I will squeeze more time to get more concertos done.
*I understood even I am not a happy soul, I don't have right to bring it to others.
*I wish next year, I will have a chance to conduct something and go to Europe.
.......
Yong@11.2009

for a unborn child

one of my long time friend is thinking of get abortion. but I wish she would keep it. and she will be ok.

I always believe, having a baby, give a new life, is the one most glorified thing we could ever do in our path. Even though it is seemed normal and it could happen to anyone; but, it is still such a wonderful feeling to be someone's parent. You know, holding its tiny hand to crossing a street, and tell a story even if it's just freshly made up... Rising a child is indeed a extraordinary task, but, joy will come together with tears. I believe.

Just don't give up too easy. It's a life after all.

I don't even dare to ask for a forgiveness

For the very first time in my life. I start to feel if I would ever be forgiven. I don't even dare to ask, and I don't have a right to ask. God said a sinner has to repent to be forgiven. Even I am trying to be good on everything I do, be nice to everyone I met, deep inside, I don't believe I would ever be forgiven. I hurt an Angel who was sent by Him. There is, no way I could ever forgive myself.

.......

I really wish I could just disappear in dust. I can't take the pain in my heart. It feels like a living hell.
I still play the violin in orchestra, trying my best to play as perfect as I could to be a good concertmaster. Some people together with my stand partner had noticed something wrong on me recently, even though I haven’t spoken it to anyone. How could I tell people because there is no one could possibly understand? My head is always down; walking around like old man; I don't want to look into eyes to anyone; I don't know if I am shamed or I am want keep from peoples noticing. They all think I just didn't sleep well. Most of them, still thinking I should be very happy about my job and life. They imagined that I am a healthy, respectful, friendly and even funny person. But, how could them possibly knowing what kind of suffering I am going through, for years.

If you ever seeing a opera, you will find a desperate moment which one of the people in the show would suffer so much. One of them is willing to die for exchange of the ending of such pain. I would laugh about it before. But, now, I think I just fit that scenario really well.

I really wish I could just die, even though I don't have the courage to do it, yet. But, I am waiting the moment. The things that worry me are my parents. I don't know if it's too cure to them, as I am the only child. But, in another hands, I am scared to even thinking that I have to live probably decades before my natural ending. I can't take that long, it is a torture. I want it to be finished, I need it so I can have a peace in soul. What should I do? I wish God can grant me a way, not too painful, but ends my breath. Can a person praying for his own death? I have been trying.

waiting for another busy day, so I would not need time to think, to miss, to love.

For last couple of months, I tried my best to keep being busy. I get up at 7:45, work until 4:30. then, maybe take a nap before dinner which will give me energy at night. After dinner, I get back to practice my violin for an hour or two until around 9:30. Then I get online read something or write something.....

But, when I am tired, can't work anymore, I don't know what to do. I don't want to talk to anyone even there isn't anyone I can freely share my mind. I try to watch a movie online, but I can't concentrate on the story... I sit there, stare on wall in my small room, feel so empty. I will start to miss someone, and it will making me want to cry. I have to write another letter so I felt I am talking to her, and I won't feel too depressed. But, I know it would never be read. I just wish I could sleep and waiting for another busy day, so I don't have time to think, to miss, to love.

some of my concerts video clips @ 2008 & 2009

Khachaturain violin concerto
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MS28CP_5z9c
Poème by Chaussn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=baxk579rb-s
Bizet Carmen Suite No.2 Nocturne Solo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2N5x4XPpKKo

Letter, in a bottle

Water under the bridge, time washes away everything, moving without returns; in the ends, all coming to dusts; But why, and How is that, years after year, you are still taking away my every breath? Is that true, something is for life?
Walking on the street suddenly stood still; something punched my heart, heavily breath like old man. There was someone passing by, a stranger in the crowds, was wearing D’Issey Miyaki, or something alike. For just a second, I couldn’t hold it anymore; I knew I can’t pretend it has gone; it never gone, not even a tiny dwindles washed by time… It’s too cruel to me but I have to admit, this is my soul origin, the source of all my passion. A pity sad soul, it’s too personal to be read by others, to be understood by even the closest friends; it doesn’t fit any logical path; perhaps, it could be only looked up in poems. It’s an ultimate pain, though, full with love, passion and the gentlest touches… It takes a tremendous courage to facing, yet draws my tear dry and slowly kill my heart. And yet, it’s been there, and it is the truth. No matter how would I pretend it doesn’t matters anymore; While, in the dark of a quiet night, at front of grant mountains, facing heartfelt sun falls, at a gentle encounter with morning dews, or in the moment of orgasmic music playing, and by the time I have to stood in front of God… I can’t deny, my darling, you are indeed my immortal beloved.

A letter to an Angel, in the bottle, floating in the shadow of my soul…