.......

I really wish I could just disappear in dust. I can't take the pain in my heart. It feels like a living hell.
I still play the violin in orchestra, trying my best to play as perfect as I could to be a good concertmaster. Some people together with my stand partner had noticed something wrong on me recently, even though I haven’t spoken it to anyone. How could I tell people because there is no one could possibly understand? My head is always down; walking around like old man; I don't want to look into eyes to anyone; I don't know if I am shamed or I am want keep from peoples noticing. They all think I just didn't sleep well. Most of them, still thinking I should be very happy about my job and life. They imagined that I am a healthy, respectful, friendly and even funny person. But, how could them possibly knowing what kind of suffering I am going through, for years.

If you ever seeing a opera, you will find a desperate moment which one of the people in the show would suffer so much. One of them is willing to die for exchange of the ending of such pain. I would laugh about it before. But, now, I think I just fit that scenario really well.

I really wish I could just die, even though I don't have the courage to do it, yet. But, I am waiting the moment. The things that worry me are my parents. I don't know if it's too cure to them, as I am the only child. But, in another hands, I am scared to even thinking that I have to live probably decades before my natural ending. I can't take that long, it is a torture. I want it to be finished, I need it so I can have a peace in soul. What should I do? I wish God can grant me a way, not too painful, but ends my breath. Can a person praying for his own death? I have been trying.